to all the ashes that won't blow away

Do you ever forget the first person you exchanged souls with?
I think not.
I prefer to act as though you do not exist but there you always are hidden in the apprehension
Behind the cracks of smiles i’m too afraid to share
All the giggles stuck at the back of my throat
All the whispers that hook onto my ear and crawl into places that have been dormant for so long

Who needs a heart
or a smile
or the warmth you emit when you're no longer afraid to stop being cold?

You can not erase claw marks
Or teeth marks
or scratches one leaves
you can’t cover up all the scars
all you can do is learn how to live with them
and trick people into believing you are not wounded

i opened up the bowels of the earth to excavate myself for you
to hope to be home to you
now there will always be something missing
i hope you found what you were missing
that is all a woman can ask for a man she once loved

I give myself to men now in ways i never gave myself to you
But i wouldn’t dare dream to believe that i’d surrender my soul once more
That is something you can’t barter
Once it is lost to the world it can’t be regained
There will forever be me before you
And me after
That is my life
That is my truth
And that is all we will ever really share
Pieces of ourselves we stole from each other and refuse to return even up until now
The fear we smeared across eachother’s hearts
the dance our memories will do until the final ashes blow away.