freewrite (4:28 am)

wanting. there is always a man. needing. i want you. in a lot of ways. it’s funny how quickly you forget the old when the new is so sweet and soft. i could hold you in my arms. you are so far away though. come to me. come inside. stay here. when we do get there. when we are there, together, don’t disappoint me. i’m afraid of losing but i’m ok with it. we’ll be ok. we’ll be alright. even if we are losers. i want to show you all the things i can do. all the things i can be. when i swallow you whole. there will be no breath. you’ll never forget me. i eat souls under the moonlight. there in bones in my backyard. graves in my throat. we can dig our graves together. would you like that? after me i’m sure there will be no one else. does that make you afraid? i am deeper than oceans. you will love it. see you soon. we will make beds. we will make graves. we will turn into dust. i was dust in the beginning anyway. would it really even matter…?

freewrite (when you can’t sleep after it’s over)

last night after we were done dawn hiccuped daylight.

he feel asleep. turned away. slept on the floor. made a bed with the sheets and pillows. they resemble clouds.

i crawled away. got into bed. closed my eyes. thought about you.
wondered if it would ever be like this with us.

pulled on my shorts. slipped off my cool. looked out the window.

are there still stars in your eyes when you think of me?
i see nothing when i look into his.

gypsy crystal balls floating inside his skull, but they tell me nothing of my future, unless this is all about my loneliness.

how can you feel lonely when there are explosions inside your thighs and a beautiful to smile at you after?

i guess because i don’t have you,
maybe.

before i submerge (the plea)

There is nothing more debilitating than knowing you are drowning but not recalling how to swim
When there are tsunamis in your lungs
When you can't ever seem to breath
Do you know what an ocean of tears tastes like hitting the back of your throat
every time you swallow?
Daggers dipped in your own blood are especially tart
There will be bloodshed and war next time someone summons my soul like you did
and leaves me out to dry beneath the merciless sun
where were you when there was no moon to guide me home
I am so lonely that my heart echoes come back here.

yes, i still wonder.

there are worlds inside your palms
someone forgot to tell you
when you ball your fingers into fists
i am somewhere trapped inside.
do you like to see me crushed?

to all the ashes that won't blow away

Do you ever forget the first person you exchanged souls with?
I think not.
I prefer to act as though you do not exist but there you always are hidden in the apprehension
Behind the cracks of smiles i’m too afraid to share
All the giggles stuck at the back of my throat
All the whispers that hook onto my ear and crawl into places that have been dormant for so long

Who needs a heart
or a smile
or the warmth you emit when you're no longer afraid to stop being cold?

You can not erase claw marks
Or teeth marks
or scratches one leaves
you can’t cover up all the scars
all you can do is learn how to live with them
and trick people into believing you are not wounded

i opened up the bowels of the earth to excavate myself for you
to hope to be home to you
now there will always be something missing
i hope you found what you were missing
that is all a woman can ask for a man she once loved

I give myself to men now in ways i never gave myself to you
But i wouldn’t dare dream to believe that i’d surrender my soul once more
That is something you can’t barter
Once it is lost to the world it can’t be regained
There will forever be me before you
And me after
That is my life
That is my truth
And that is all we will ever really share
Pieces of ourselves we stole from each other and refuse to return even up until now
The fear we smeared across eachother’s hearts
the dance our memories will do until the final ashes blow away.

to the onlookers (who love to see me/us dance)

The fluidity of a brown woman’s body on a dance floor
Is somewhat shattering to all the others
The glow of our skin
Our arching backs
Like vertical horizons
All shades of wonderful
We are
Unaware of what we possess
If there was ever something so intangible and beautiful
It would stem from the way our bodies are blackened waterfalls and rivers
Spilling into the sky
All the others are jealous
On a dance floor we own
Our men love our bodies most
When we are swaying
Hips first
Arms risen
Saluting the heavens
We possess the soul of the earth in our hips
We must not dismiss what power we are home to.

to the cannibal

There is something about the neon that reminds me of your smile
Late at night when I drive home
I think about the fact that you’re somewhere looking at the same moon I am
Yes
I can’t ever quite put my finger on it but I doubt you were ever happy
Your words were heavy
Your touch never lingered
There were so many shadows
I only knew you in silhouettes
Some things will hurt forever I’m guessing
Like teeth sinking into heart
You are cannibal
No one knows this but even after all these days and weeks
I still smell of you
I’ve grown tired of washing out all the stains I’m home to.