Suspended; Caught Up In A Time Warp Of Love

It’s as though I exist in an alternate existence where time doesn’t exit, 
It just floats, gloats in the premise, the template that has pelted out into space in time
even gravity can’t intervene the divine,
Which was our love
I moonwalk on mirages
Float on petulant barges
Keep shooting from the hip with the same gun and the same clip
Wondering why I draw blanks…
I’m in December but my heart is in June
Beating in a blanket of tears for fears
When love wasn’t encased in a tomb of memories, regrets
My mind is playing tricks on me,
Painting portraits of imageries that are nothing but fallacies,
Entrapping me
I still taste your lips when I cry…
Somewhere between misery and ecstasy is where I lie
My only comfort is the ambiguity of the future
I am suspended, caught up in a time warp of unsung goodbyes…

corrupted tongues (freewrite from the bus ride home)

Crawl into my throat and blow kisses of life into my vacant lungs
Etch your initials into my tonsils
Scale the roof of my tongue
Fondle the sensuous rage spilling off the edge of my lips whenever I part them to speak words I barely understand
Tiptoe onto my taste buds without malice
Be gentle and kind
Inhale the venomous air that erupts from my soul with each passing moment
I want to infect you so I won’t have to be poisonous alone
I want someone to confront my demons with me
I don’t want to face them alone
Corrupted tongues swell and explode
Don’t let me explode alone

Beautiful

When he glances at me I feel like stars kissing the stark sky
Like Aphrodite's silhouette bathed in a petal of roses
Beautiful

Like the taste of his laughter simmering in my ear when he transforms my teardrops into rainbows
Like the fabricated dreams of him and me that impregnate my mind
I wish I could give birth to our love
But you don’t know that I exist
Beautiful

Do you know that I trace the outline of your lips with my taste buds to salvage the delicacies of your smile?

I think you’re beautiful like when the sun made love to the moon and created twilight
You are my light
You are sky to me
You are god to me
You are all I ever see
But you don’t know that I exist
Beautiful

I will peer through the curtains of your soul
Hoping to catch a glimpse of your spirit
I will perch atop heaven’s balconies
Hoping to dive into your dreams
I just want you to see me
Beautiful

Please tell me that you see me
Like I see you

She Wasn’t Fast Enough (the tale of the surviving Iraqi sister)

We ran
They shot at us
We kept running
They just kept shooting
We ran but we were not fast enough
They didn’t mean to hurt us
But they still shot at us
They shot at her

I grip her hand and want her to climb atop my back
“I will run for you” I scream
But she just wasn’t fast enough

Bullets fall from the sky like wounded angels
And strike like lightning
Pierce through her stomach like god eye’s sneers down upon humanity
She wasn’t fast enough

My heels dig into the ground as I sprint across the mud
Gunfire grazes my ear like the lips of death nibbling at the corners of my little sister’s soul
The pitter patter of her feet can’t compare to the thud of tanks
I reach for her hand
But they got her
She wasn’t fast enough
So now she is bleeding

Falling to my knees I feel the bloodied soil splash against my face
I drag her body to the river
She won’t stop bleeding
I can’t stop screaming
She is dying
She is dead

The reddened fabric drapes around her delicate olive frame
Strands of jet black hair wiggle about the murky water
Her head rests atop my thighs
My legs are folded
I have surrendered

She is dying in my lap
But she is probably dead by now
I know nothing of death
Not death like this

I sit there in the belly of the river
Her delicate lifeless body sprawled across my bloodied lap
Searching for god in her vacant eyes
I watch her last tear shimmy down her pale, cold cheek
I stroke her face and close her eyelids

She just wasn’t fast enough.

Expired receipts

I cling to things
Nail myself atop burning crosses
Sever all my senses
choke myself in links of coiled bloodied broken bones of damned desires
and then rot in hell
I peel my own flesh with the sharpened knife of unrequited love
Trying to deplete you
but still I can’t get rid of this
Somebody save me

The pitter patter of his heartbeat
Is deafening my soul’s expansion
He clips my wings with every passing thought of him that rises like phoenix

What is freedom without flight?

How many expired receipts can I try to cash in before I get my cash back?
I don’t want this love anymore.

when i rant at god (freewrite from algebra class)

I push past my tears as I write this poem
Push past lies to find truth
Push past pain to find freedom
Push past the devil to find god

I search for him in my sleep
In my fingertips
In the torn seams of my soul
But I never do
Find you

God

I probably shouldn’t find you because if I found you
I’d probably tell you that I hate you
And ask you why you hurt everyone I love
Why you hurt me
Why you let me hurt myself
Why you won’t let me love me

I’d ask you to open my chest with your almighty hands
And show me my soul
Tear out my heart, bloody, beating and all
Then let me die

I want to know that I’m human
That I can’t live without a heart
Because sometimes I wonder
If I even exist

the routine

I sit on the toilet
I’m bleeding
And I’m confused all at once
Each month I can’t help but think when he’ll enter me
Whoever he is, probably a nobody
I think of the pain it’ll be
Not to have him inside of me
But to have him be gone
When the love is no good
When me is no good
When he moves onto his next excavation
Because I know it’ll happen just like that

I sit on the toilet
I’m bleeding
And I’m crying all at once
Looking down at my chocolate thighs coated with drops the color of ripe cherries
I realize I hate being a woman
I hate the bleeding
I hate the crying
But most of all I hate the pain

The agonizing pain of a woman’s heart shattering into tiny little pieces
And the loud echo it makes when it sinks to the bottom of her empty soul
Where it splashes against the puddle of tears left from her broken dreams past
When all these things happen to me

Every Morning (my battle with self-esteem)

When swollen dew drops balance on the cusps of fallen leaves
I kiss the rays of sunshine every morning before I leave hoping to photosynthesize
Why can’t I draw light into my darkness

Then I make a bed of white lies atop reality give my honesties a place to sleep
They aren’t enough to anchor me while I drift out into a world of sullen, sunken dreams
A place where my beauty doesn’t manifest

Can I face ugliness head-on like charging bison
I need lies to pick up where honesty isn’t suffice and
Coat my lips with cherry scented angel wings
So I can taste a piece of heaven with every breath I take
Remind myself that I am a child of god
But sometimes I just want to be a child of aesthetics
I want to be beautiful

in need of a vacation

I got a job

I got a job to save for school
to get in debt
to get a car
to get a house
to get in more debt
to buy diapers for the kids

Kids with the husband who doesn’t really love me
but doesn’t really hate me
But that fucks me just fine though and that’s quite enough for me

I work

I work to go on vacation then forget I need to go on vacation because I’m paperchasing
to save up for that getaway I never seem to get away to
I work 9 to 5 then sleep 9 to 5
my life is over

I have a career

Sleep-deprived
Irritated
Stressed
Wired
Medicated
Drained
Fucked
Royally

I rot in hell.

I rot in hell with my 401K
My glass of Chardonnay (which is really a whole bottle)
To numb the pain of my potential layoff
And all those unpaid vacays

I need a fucking vacation

I’m eighteen going on insanity
What the fuck happened to me
They were selling me pipe dreams
Crack pipe dreams white as my picket fence
Apathy is a hell of a drug

I used to believe but not anymore

Fuck a vacation I need to retire

When goddesses cry on the inside (what I wish I could tell my mother)

I rise to not so subtle tears of regret and anguish every morning just as the sun replaces the moon
Constant

Your pain swallows me up like your tear ducts swallow your pride I can only be angry but I wish I could cry all the tears you refuse to
For you

Paas down bitterness like heirlooms encrusted in agony and filth despite the fact that you’re a mountain of rubies and pearls
Royal

With outrage buried so deep into your soul I can smell the fumes of bitterness like decaying dreams of murdered martyrs
Tragic

I see beauty etched on your eyelids when you finally allow yourself to dream dreams
Sing me

Lullabies of heroines that aren’t too wounded to fly beneath angels on the pilgrimage to the heavens
Believe

That the world will stop spinning when your fears finally fall and god himself will part the oceans to swallow all your tears

Vehement Screams (what I’d cry out to my father)

I rummage for goodness in the aching kisses of my yearning lovers
Who fall over me like bricks off the Berlin Wall
Tripping over my roots bulging out of the seams of the spandex disguise of my tortured soul
My agony is forever expanding
along with their own…

Stretching fantasies of what if, should’ve, could’ve, uttering the words
“why didn’t she love me?” over and over until they find themselves disenchanted
They lament the scent of death always leaving my lips whenever we part them to kiss
When they try to inject life into my wounds through the tip of our tongues
They want to be scribes and translate their truths into a language I can possibly understand with these deafened ears

But they never do
I never do
I can’t understand the love of a man.
If you couldn’t love me, how could they?

Seductive scrolls of lies appear atop our naked bodies when we submerge into the depths of sin to forgive those who’ve trespassed against us.

They all hate me and it’s all because of you