freewrite (4:28 am)

wanting. there is always a man. needing. i want you. in a lot of ways. it’s funny how quickly you forget the old when the new is so sweet and soft. i could hold you in my arms. you are so far away though. come to me. come inside. stay here. when we do get there. when we are there, together, don’t disappoint me. i’m afraid of losing but i’m ok with it. we’ll be ok. we’ll be alright. even if we are losers. i want to show you all the things i can do. all the things i can be. when i swallow you whole. there will be no breath. you’ll never forget me. i eat souls under the moonlight. there in bones in my backyard. graves in my throat. we can dig our graves together. would you like that? after me i’m sure there will be no one else. does that make you afraid? i am deeper than oceans. you will love it. see you soon. we will make beds. we will make graves. we will turn into dust. i was dust in the beginning anyway. would it really even matter…?

freewrite (when you can’t sleep after it’s over)

last night after we were done dawn hiccuped daylight.

he feel asleep. turned away. slept on the floor. made a bed with the sheets and pillows. they resemble clouds.

i crawled away. got into bed. closed my eyes. thought about you.
wondered if it would ever be like this with us.

pulled on my shorts. slipped off my cool. looked out the window.

are there still stars in your eyes when you think of me?
i see nothing when i look into his.

gypsy crystal balls floating inside his skull, but they tell me nothing of my future, unless this is all about my loneliness.

how can you feel lonely when there are explosions inside your thighs and a beautiful to smile at you after?

i guess because i don’t have you,
maybe.

before i submerge (the plea)

There is nothing more debilitating than knowing you are drowning but not recalling how to swim
When there are tsunamis in your lungs
When you can't ever seem to breath
Do you know what an ocean of tears tastes like hitting the back of your throat
every time you swallow?
Daggers dipped in your own blood are especially tart
There will be bloodshed and war next time someone summons my soul like you did
and leaves me out to dry beneath the merciless sun
where were you when there was no moon to guide me home
I am so lonely that my heart echoes come back here.

yes, i still wonder.

there are worlds inside your palms
someone forgot to tell you
when you ball your fingers into fists
i am somewhere trapped inside.
do you like to see me crushed?

to all the ashes that won't blow away

Do you ever forget the first person you exchanged souls with?
I think not.
I prefer to act as though you do not exist but there you always are hidden in the apprehension
Behind the cracks of smiles i’m too afraid to share
All the giggles stuck at the back of my throat
All the whispers that hook onto my ear and crawl into places that have been dormant for so long

Who needs a heart
or a smile
or the warmth you emit when you're no longer afraid to stop being cold?

You can not erase claw marks
Or teeth marks
or scratches one leaves
you can’t cover up all the scars
all you can do is learn how to live with them
and trick people into believing you are not wounded

i opened up the bowels of the earth to excavate myself for you
to hope to be home to you
now there will always be something missing
i hope you found what you were missing
that is all a woman can ask for a man she once loved

I give myself to men now in ways i never gave myself to you
But i wouldn’t dare dream to believe that i’d surrender my soul once more
That is something you can’t barter
Once it is lost to the world it can’t be regained
There will forever be me before you
And me after
That is my life
That is my truth
And that is all we will ever really share
Pieces of ourselves we stole from each other and refuse to return even up until now
The fear we smeared across eachother’s hearts
the dance our memories will do until the final ashes blow away.

to the onlookers (who love to see me/us dance)

The fluidity of a brown woman’s body on a dance floor
Is somewhat shattering to all the others
The glow of our skin
Our arching backs
Like vertical horizons
All shades of wonderful
We are
Unaware of what we possess
If there was ever something so intangible and beautiful
It would stem from the way our bodies are blackened waterfalls and rivers
Spilling into the sky
All the others are jealous
On a dance floor we own
Our men love our bodies most
When we are swaying
Hips first
Arms risen
Saluting the heavens
We possess the soul of the earth in our hips
We must not dismiss what power we are home to.

to the cannibal

There is something about the neon that reminds me of your smile
Late at night when I drive home
I think about the fact that you’re somewhere looking at the same moon I am
Yes
I can’t ever quite put my finger on it but I doubt you were ever happy
Your words were heavy
Your touch never lingered
There were so many shadows
I only knew you in silhouettes
Some things will hurt forever I’m guessing
Like teeth sinking into heart
You are cannibal
No one knows this but even after all these days and weeks
I still smell of you
I’ve grown tired of washing out all the stains I’m home to.

for sale signs

I was home to too many collisions
So now I am scrap metal
Bits and pieces of a former self
Then again I guess we all are
Just damaged goods with great paintjobs
Waiting in lots
To be picked up by our rightful owners.

to a man i haven't met

If I could sleep with one eye open I would
Just to see your face all night
That would be the only dream I’d ever need.

late night recollections (to you with the spotted face)

when i'd like to pass the time i recall that you might have 162 specks of black diamonds somewhere between nook and cranny of your left and right ears
and then i remember how i used to tell you god blew kisses all over your face just for me to count for the remainder of my lifetime
that it was exactly how i'd like to spend the rest of my lifetime
but often now i am lonely
so i sometimes recount the freckles on your face
just to remember the person i once was
because i left everything good i once was encased in a shell that is you
and because you've been gone so long
and because i've been gone so long
and i can't quite recall sometimes whether it was 162 or 126 specks of black diamonds scattered atop your skin
i summon your face in archive of memories just to remember that i felt alive once
and that i can feel alive once again.

i was told to journal (but i can only write poems)

because its late
because i promised her i'd write something
because i'm floating
because i don't know how to feel
because not knowing how to feel is disastrous
because i believed her when she told me we can try to change things
because i want to change
because i want more
because i don't think i deserve more
because i feel left
behind
abandoned
swept under moldy rugs
because it's too late to salvage some things
but i'd like it if i were able to salvage the others
some sense of grounding is better than none at all
i came to her for anchors
i've wished for anchors all my life

we talked about the roots of trees
and she asked me how i felt
and because i'm inarticulate about my feelings these days
i folded and spoke and folded some more
i am origami, always have been always will be
folding

because the lady in the black turtleneck with the yellow skin and sunny eyes told me that things can change
because her words were lovely when she spoke though she mostly listened
because the room was tiny and brown and gray and the walls seemed to be closing in on me
because i realized i couldn't look at her much when i spoke
because i couldn't run away
because i tend to laugh and smile when i talk about ugly
because she didn't find me odd
because i spent the whole time speaking and folding the edges of the corners of papers
because i cried once in the middle of a sentence
about my mother and how she never seems to love me
because i never say that outloud to anyone who doesnt know me
because lying to strangers is hard
because i talk too much but learn too little
because i'm tired of being abandoned
but mostly because i'm tired of abandoning myself

i folded memories at the corners
made them into paper planes
sent them off into the blackened sky
hoping they wouldnt return
now they are being aimed back at me
but this time they are bullets demanding flesh
but i chose this
i'm guessing a massacre could result in a rebirth
i am only hoping

she asked me how i deal with things i said i wasn't sure
but now i realize all i ever do is write and feel and rummage for answers in dark corners
and stay awake when i'm supposed to be sleeping
and think too much
and maybe now i realize i need to talk

On the way home (freewrite on the bus where we met)

I don’t ask much of men anymore its not in my nature
Eventually hope catches fire mid thrust
And all bets are off I’ve learned to minimize the impact of these kinds of collisions

Collisions like
Broken boys thinking their power is at the tip of premature manhood
When they crash into lusty girls willing to cash in their innocence for a place in a sexual world

I needed gratification
I found none
All I have is canyons
Between thighs
My heart will be leaking forever
I’m certain

Tires skid across heart
Teeth press down on tongue
I can’t remember how to speak
Everything I used to know
I’ve forgotten
Memories are fickle as the odds of you staying
You never stayed
You’d always leave

I know my body will repair
But when will my mind?

Silence

You were weeping willows
Swallowing up every bit of sunshine
Innocence
Everything I once thought I had
I didn’t look into your eyes those nights
Or maybe I did
I just prefer to not remember

My lips were earthquakes
Moans echoing inside glacial caves
But you were silence
I never thought I’d fear silence as much as I do now

There was just fingers
And clocks
And ticking
And bewilderment
And sweat
And wagging tongues
And empty heartbeats full of longing
We echoed all night
Just empty vessels

I wanted you in my heart
You ended up in my skin
On top my sheets
Everywhere I didn’t need you

Can I have more than silence?

Can I be beautiful enough to make someone stay
Even if it isn’t you.

the mornings after

empty sex is barren abandon
collapsing onto inflamed bedsheets
spurts of passion searching for a steady target.

empty sex can not fill vacant eyes
bleeding hearts
jagged shreds of tears
or pieces of you peeling off the sides of stray bullets you've dislodged from your heart.

empty sex is where
thighs echo
and spines shatter
and sweat
sticks
stains
splits
into a million pieces
and pours into pores.

empty sex is nothing but prayers
prayers only the body can conjure
a plea for love crawling out the pit of your soul
an exchange between vacant tombs
the deepest cry for help.

to the man at my door

If you only knew
I write every poem about you
About us.
Like your black skin
Tumbling onto my brown.

Don’t you notice how I swallow you up with my eyes
And how I love how your upper lip feels
In between my teeth
Or the strength
Trapped in between your clenched fist
Or beneath your silent gaze.

I’ve collected every inch of you.
Trapped them in a box which is my mind.
I refuse to share.
I am a box
Folding up inside of myself
Despite of myself.
I feel so small in your arms.

You are king.
I will be queen.
You just don’t it yet.
I don’t think you’ll know it.

Yet.

I am so afraid of sharing secrets.
Please keep mine forever.
Please keep me forever.

Tonight.
Always.
Come inside.
Stay here.

what i write on post-it notes

Love is daggers dangling off the roof of your mouth.
My heart is barren and bloody.

I folded up my soul last night,
stuffed it into an envelope mailed it to you.
Scorn is best served cold.
I’ll send my hate express mail.

Remember when my eyes smiled?
I do.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t afraid of the words of a beautiful man.
Someone reclaim my joy.

hello, again.

I wake up with these feelings, crushing me
You are atop my eye lashes,
inside my skull,
at the foot of my bed.

Something like love, no less than madness.
I knew you would find me eventually.
Again.

Drag your teeth down the pole of my spine.
My body is wrapped in bricks, I am heavy.
How did you find me?
I’ve spent so long hiding from you.
My efforts were useless.

You are unraveling at my feet, crawling out of the pit of my stomach, shooting out of my pores.
The armor was not enough.
I am unprotected.

water

ice melting onto concrete
tears scouring for fingers
to wipe them away if they’d ever come
i don’t smile all the time
but i never cry

river searching for ocean
stars exploding in silence
when i die no one will hear my last breath
echoing in the cave of rotting corpses which is my body
all i have is dead loves festering within me

beauty is subjective
and so is love

i wonder if i’ll be remembered
like i remembered all of you

ice melting onto concrete
water searching for soil to be reborn again
that is all i am
a dead flower wedged in between graves

a love letter that will never be sent

I felt you in the center of my light. You were neurons at the tip of my tongue, electricity crawling beneath epidermis. I felt you everyday. I still do. Lightning you are jolting through rubble, filth, all we’ve amounted to. You’re the dust of rain clouds that rebuilds my soil. Stardust. When I’m ravaged, dying in the arms of loveless men I think of who you once were.

laughter in old levis

I left my morals tucked in between the pages of the bible my grandmother gave to me this morning. I do that every day actually, I can’t help it. I don’t do it purposely, it just sort of happens. Every day before I get dressed I count the sweat stains on my t-shirt from the drops of sweat swollen with lust that edged down my back while he handled me. Then I count all the holes he punched into my heart too and try to figure out why he stuffs them with lies as if that’s suffice.

He hides around the corner from my bedroom every time he leaves to see if I’ll come out after him, I do, always. I am attached, I am stuck, I am pieces glued together in the shape of a woman, that is all I have ever been.

“Hold me… Tell me sweet things…” I say, caressing his beautiful, dark, brown face.

“Dude” he says. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know the difference between fantasy and reality? That’s what a boyfriend would do, and I am not your boyfriend.”

His facial expressions are pained; he is annoyed, confused, and mostly burdened. He wants to leave; I tend to give him sufficient reasons to want to. I want to be honest and tell him, yes, I live in a fantasy world, always, but I don’t, I just laugh. All I can do is laugh at myself. I am a joke, that is all I have ever been.